Phone Call Between George W. Bush and Abe Lincoln

"Abe? Is that you?"
"Yes, Mr. President."
"Please, Abe. Call me George."
"All right."
"Abe, it's great to hear from you. Ahm proud to be a member of the Party of Lincoln."
"Yes, well, Mr. ... George, that is what I wanted to talk to you about."
"What is it, Abe?"
"Sir, I am worried about the future of our party."
"But Abe, we're makin' pro-gress."
"Progress as to what, Mr. President?"
"We-ull, ahm tryin' to privatize stuff, like Social security. The military. And, I give tax cuts to folks. Of course, only rich folks get any real tax cut."
"Does the country have enough in its treasury to give tax cuts?"
"'Course not. But we just run a def-uh-cit."
"Are you taking care of the land, sir? Are you preserving our natural beauty and conserving our precious resources?"
"'Course I am. I think about our beautiful land every time we drill a new hole in it for oil."
"Sir, do you know what the Presidency is about?"
"Sure, it's about makin' pro-gress on things. Doin' the hard work."
"Sir, the Presidency is about greatness."
"Greatness?"
"Greatness. The President must strive to make the United States of America a beacon of hope to the rest of the world, a shining city on a hill. Then the people of the world will want to look up to us, and follow our example. That is why I freed the slaves."
"Oh, that. We-ull, we're doin' great things. We're spreadin' democracy throughout the world. I'm fightin' a great war, against terror."
"Sir, one cannot fight a war against terror. Terror is not an enemy, it is a tactic that the enemy uses."
"Abe, the terrorists hate freedom. I'm a war President, just lahk you were."
"How are you spreading democracy, sir?"
"Well, first we invade a country, then we give the people their freedom, and let them rule themselves."
"So, you invade, and then you leave?"
"Not exactly. We invade and then we stay. And then we build permanent military bases."
"And how is that strategy working, sir? How is the United States viewed in the world today, which, after all, determines whether new terrorists are being recruited to attack us?"
"We're makin' pro-gress."
"Mr. President, are you familiar with my Gettysburg address?"
"Well, ah don't know the street number, but ah know it's somewhere in Gettysburg."
"Sir, the Gettysburg address is a speech I gave during the Civil War. I closed the speech by stating, 'the great task remaining before us' was 'that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from this earth.'"
"That's exactly what we're doin', Abe."
"How free are the people in the United States, Mr. President?"
"We-ull, we're stoppin' the gays from marryin'. And we're makin' it harder for the blacks and Hispanics to vote. We're turnin' New Orleans into a white Republican city by makin' it difficult for the poor black folks to move back after Hurricane Katrina. We spy on everyone's phone calls and bank accounts. We jail newspaper reporters. Other than that, the people are pretty free."
"Mr. President, what happens when you capture enemies in this war of yours? How do you treat them?"
"We-ull, we use, uh, harsh interrogation methods."
"Sir, great leaders and great countries do not torture their enemies, or allow others to do so. Never. Under any circumstances. It cedes the moral high ground, and it puts our own soldiers at greater risk."
"'Course, it ain't really torture. Abuse, yeah, but not torture. We call it 'freedom tickling.'"
"Mr. President, when I was President, the Republican Party stood for freedom and human rights for all people, and unity for our country. What does the party stand for now?"
"That's easy, Abe. Guns, God and Gays. The first two, we're for. We don't keep records when folks buy guns. They can buy them at gun shows with no background check. And we're puttin' God where He belongs, in the classroom, instead of science, you know, that fake evolushun stuff. The last one, we're agin'."
"You do know that I was shot, with a gun."
"It must have been a A-rab terrorist that done it."
"*Sigh*. Mr. President, I am afraid that if I were President today, I would be a Democrat."
"But, but, Abe, we're makin' great pro-gress."