May 04, 2007

And the Next Presidential Election Loser Is ...

Last night, the Republican Presidential candidates for 2008 held their first televised debate. This contest will determine who gets to lose to the Democratic candidate. The ho-hum debate was held at the tomb of Ronald Reagan, and Reagan's cult of personality permeated the event. The candidates invoked Reagan's name some 19 times in 90 minutes, while they uttered the name of President George W. Bush a mere three times. There was also ample criticism of Bush's handling of the Iraq War. This debate thus marks the official beginning of the Republican Effort to Erase George W. Bush from the History Books and from Everyone's Memory.

Here are some impressions of each of the ten (!) candidates:

Rudolph "I refuse to call him Rudy" Giuliani -- He's supposed to be Mr. Charisma? Rudolph wanted to play up his supposed strength as Mr. 9/11, but, this being a Republican debate, many of the questions centered around abortion, and Giuliani was knocked back on his heels. He actually said that it "would be ok" if the Supreme Court repealed Roe v. Wade, and that it "would be ok also" if the Court upheld it. Can you hear that sound? It is the footsteps of thousands of Republican voters stampeding away from Rudolph. Plus, despite the current trend of Brazilian waxes for women and chest and eyebrow waxing for men, since the Presidential debates have been televised, Americans have not elected any man with a tan, shiny chrome dome.

John McCain -- a hesitant start, but ultimately the winner of the evening. He made no gaffes, sang no crazy "bomb Iran" songs, and appeared forceful, passionate, energetic, and presidential.

Mitt Romney -- Quick! Call FAO Schwarz! Their life-size Ken doll has escaped from its box! Mitt is the slickest, fakest politician I have ever seen. Even for haters of Bill Clinton, Romney makes Clinton look like Garrison Keillor. Plus, Romney has flip-flopped on the essential Republican issues (abortion, stem cell research) so many times, he makes John Kerry look like, uh, Ronald Reagan.

Ron Paul -- This congressman from Texas is a pure Conservative. His attacks on the candidates and his own party, especially regarding Bush's invasion of Iraq and wild deficit spending, provided the evening's best entertainment. Paul's baggy-eyed resemblance to Alberto the Shadow, the hitman from "Scarface," added to his theatrical presence.

James Gilmore -- the former Governor of Virginia, Gilmore appeared confident and competent. He demonstrated why people prefer the executive experience of Governors when voting for President. Gilmore has raised his profile for sure. He will now receive four votes instead of two.

Duncan Hunter -- with the repetition of the "un" sound in his name, "Duncan Hunter" pleasantly rolls off the tongue. Maybe this is how Led Zeppelin and Def Leppard got their names. But "un"like John McCain, who jokes about bombing Iran, Duncan Hunter wants to bomb everyone. Right now. He's a scary guy.

Sam Brownback and Mike Huckabee -- when asked who does not believe in evolution, these guys raised their hands! At least Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas, sounded genial, thoughtful and reasonable as he spoke about turning America into a theocracy. Brownback, on the other hand, looks and acts like the Devil, which matches his theocratic aspirations for America.

Tom Tancredo -- what a creepy-looking and sounding guy. He's supposedly from Colorado, but has this weird foreign accent, like Christopher Walken as The Continental. He also raised his hand when asked who does not believe in evolution. That makes perfect sense, since Dracula still looks and feels great after 500 years.

I can't even think of the tenth candidate. Oh yeah. It's former Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson. In an answer to a question about the number of U.S. casualties in the Iraq War , Thompson said "several thousand" troops have been wounded. Hey Tommy? The number is over 24,000. Thompson looked like he was sleepwalking through the debate. Perhaps he was bitten on the neck by Tom Tancredo just before the start.

Unannounced would-be GOP candidates Fred Thompson and Newt Gingrinch must be feeling very good about their chances after watching last night's debate. So are the Democrats.


At 3:23 PM, Blogger Barbara said...

If they are smart they will distance themselves from the current regime and reinvent the Republican party. Personally I'm ready for the Democrats to take back the whole show. I just hope they start gaining real momentum soon.


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