Punishment for Mel-icious Intent

Normally, celebrity news is an oxymoron. If a celebrity gets a divorce, has a kid or is caught driving drunk, what does it really matter? But when (1) one of the world's top movie stars and directors is caught driving drunk, whereupon he (2) launches into an anti-Semitic tirade, blaming Jews for all the wars ever fought, while at the same time (3) Israel is at war with Hezbollah, and (4) that movie star/director is slated to produce an ABC television movie about the Holocaust, then we're talking a perfect storm of news.

According to tests taken by Los Angeles County Sheriff's deputies who pulled Gibson over, Gibson's blood alchohol level was .12, or 50% over the .08 limit. However, that test wasn't needed. It was obvious that Gibson was plastered when he asked the arresting officer, Sheriff's Deputy James Mee, "Are you a Jew?" Everyone knows that Jews do not become Sheriff's deputies. I can say that because I was raised Jewish. Maybe, maybe, if they serve a good coffee cake down at the station house.

Accordingly, here are the top ten punishments that should be imposed on Mel Gibson for his drunk driving escapade:

10. Mel should be prohibited from ordering in Aramaic next time he's lunching at Spago.
9. Mel should be force-fed Matzoh and Gefilte fish.
8. Mel should be locked in a room with the Governator, forced to remain silent, and to endure Ah-nuld's repeated enunciation of the word "Kull-i-forn-ia."
7. Mel should be forced to watch Oliver Stone's "Alexander" over and over. It's not Jewish, just extremely painful.
6. Mel should be forced to drink Manischewitz Concord Grape Passover Seder wine, then be put behind the wheel of his Lexus with the sheriffs in pursuit.
5. Mel should be locked in a room with Sylvester Stallone, forced to remain silent, and to endure Sly's repeated enunciation of the word "Yo!" See #8 and #7.
4. Mel should be forced to don a kilt, paint his face blue, and moon the Hezbollah in Lebanon.
3. Mel should be sent into the Thunderdome with Humongous.
2. Mel should receive a community service sentence of garbage pickup duty just like Boy George, but Mel's garbage pickup should take place in Haifa, Israel, where Mel can dodge Hezbollah rockets while scanning for Popsicle wrappers.
1. Mel should be circumcised, if he is armadillo. If he's helmet, he should be circumcised again.