Dear IKEA, I Have an IDEA

Shopping in one of your stores yesterday was fun, in a sick way. Here are some suggestions to make IKEA shopping more fun and less sick:

1. If IKEA can design elaborate storage and shelving systems with hundreds of customizable choices, do you think IKEA could lead us to the exits without getting us so lost? I don't even want to think about what would happen if a fire broke out in your store.

2. And speaking of trampling over pregnant women, do you think IKEA could have a designated day either especially for pregnant women, or one designated for everyone else? Then let me know which is which. The last thing I want when pushing my shopping cart full of sharp protruding Plekva shelves is to smack into unborn Junior while rounding the ice cream scooper display.

3. Two words: Swedish Women. Can't IKEA fly some over here as "friendship hostesses," or position them at the information or checkout counters? I guarantee that IKEA will more thank make up for the cost in increased sales. Many of us think that Swedish women are among the world's most stunning. I once walked into a McDonald's in Stockholm, looked behind the counter, and thought the Ford Modeling Agency was doing a location shoot there.

4. More coffee bars. I stumbled into one near the end of our shopping excursion, but my espresso infusion came way too late to do any good. The IKEA Gaze, that disoriented, burnt-brain feeling recognizable by an unfocused stare into the distance and which is similar to the Thousand Yard Stare experienced by many of our brave soldiers in combat, sets in within 60 minutes. I recommend having at least one coffee bar, or even roving employees dispensing the stuff, on each floor of all IKEA stores. That's where those imported Swedish ladies would come in handy.

5. Please eliminate the "Birch" finish from IKEA's furniture products. It's a crappy pine veneer at best, covering compressed particle board. We know that IKEA products are cheap, so why remind us by making them look cheap?

6. Please get rid of the assembled furniture products in the item pickup area. Do you know how ticked off I would be if, after three hours of a head-exploding wild goose chase picking IKEA furniture, determining and writing down all of the necessary parts and bin numbers, I came downstairs to pick up the pieces and saw a different item that I liked better? Pretty ticked off.

Thanks for listening, IKEA. Even if you choose not to follow my suggestions, I'm sure I will return to IKEA sometime soon for some good sick fun.