Why I Love Being the Non-Drinker at the Bar
Here's a conversation between four of us (me, my friend "Dave," and two really drunk girls) last night at a nondescript bar at a beachside town in Southern California.
The conversation took place when one of the girls reached between my friend and me to grab two big glasses of water:
Me: "I think you need something stronger than that."
Girl #1: "Oh, we also have these." (Lifts up glass of white wine, the most incongruous-looking drink that could possibly be lifted in this joint)
Girl #1: "Are you guys together?"
Dave: "Together? Uh, we walked in together."
Girl #2: "Are you brothers?"
Dave: "Do we look like brothers?"
Girl #2: "Yes." (Note: Dave and I look as much like brothers as Alec Baldwin and Owen Wilson)
Me: "Are you two together?"
Girl #1: "Well, we walked in together."
Dave: "Are you two sisters?"
Girl #2: "Do we look like sisters?" (Note: Girl #1 is blonde, Girl #2 is brunette, they look like as much like sisters as J.Lo and Christina Aguilera)
Me: "As much as we look like brothers."
Dave: "Do you live around here?"
Girl #1: "No, I live in _____" (city about 15 miles away)
Girl #2 "No, I live in ______" (hick town about 40 miles away). "I'm visiting her."
Me: "What are you doing here?" (in this godforsaken bar at the beach that no one in their right mind would come to unless, like me, they live three blocks away)
Girl #1: (stumbles backward, steadies herself on ledge) "I don't know. Party."
Me: "I don't understand. You're having a party in here tonight?"
Girl #1: "No. I don't know. Oh my God!"
(Girl #1, Girl #2 and Dave laughing hysterically. I missed it. Apparently, Girl #1 spit out her gum on the floor and a guy nearby stepped on it and it's stuck on his shoe)
Me: "What are your names?"
Girl #2: (sticks out hand formally, as incongruous a move in this place as ordering white wine) "Hayley. Her name is Sheena." (Note: these are the real names they gave us)
Me: "China? Spelled like China?"
Me: "Sheena, like the Queen of the Jungle?"
(Sheena looks pleased, as if no one else has ever said this)
Dave: "Sheena, what are you doing in _______?" (Sheena's home town)
Sheena: "I'm a vagina nurse."
Dave: "A what?"
Sheena: "A vagina nurse."
Me: "How do you like it?"
Sheena: "It's disgusting. Looking at vaginas all day long."
Me: (jokingly) "Now you know how we guys feel sometimes."
(Then the gumshoe and an elfin guy with a leather jacket and goatee come over. Hayley and Sheena are with these guys, but they don't tell them that the gumshoe stepped on Hayley's gum)
Gumshoe: "There's a table that just opened up."
Hayley: "Nice meeting you."
I so need to hang out in bars and not drink more often.
Happy New Year!